Even when you are angry or hurt during your divorce, maintaining a respectful relationship with your former partner is especially important if you share children. It is a gift to yourself, your kids, and your wider community. Divorce has ripple effects, and how you handle it now will shape your future relationships and peace of mind. Cooperation, not conflict, protects your well-being and helps your children feel safe and secure.
“I Don’t Even Want to See This Person Again.”
This is a common feeling during divorce, and it is completely valid. Divorce brings grief, frustration, and sometimes betrayal. But if you share children or have close family and community ties, your relationship with your former spouse is not truly over. It’s just changing.
You will both still be present for big life moments such as graduations, weddings, grandkids, birthdays, and everything in between. You do not have to be best friends but choosing to remain civil and cooperative protects your children’s emotional health and will make future interactions much easier.
Divorce Doesn’t Just Affect the Two of You
Think of divorce like a stone thrown into a pond. The impact doesn’t stop at you and your former partner. It ripples out to:
- Your children
- Your extended families
- Friends who feel caught in the middle
- Your community
When you preserve relationships, you show maturity and leadership. You model to your kids how to manage conflict with grace, and you make it easier for the people around you. That is not just kind, it is powerful.
What Kids Really Want
Sometimes, parents say they are “fighting for their kids” during divorce. But the truth is that it is easy to confuse your own hurt with your child’s needs.
For example, parents will get wrapped up in who gets Christmas morning, when really, your kids just want:
- Consistency – knowing what to expect
- Peace – parents who are not fighting
- Security – trust that their lives are not falling apart
Don’t use your kids’ childhood as a battleground for unresolved adult emotions. It is not about reliving your own Christmas memories. It is about giving your children stability and love during a tough time.
How Do You Actually Do That?
This is not easy. Preserving a respectful relationship during or after divorce takes real emotional work. But here are 3 steps that can help:
- Stay out of court if you can. Collaborative Divorce and Mediation allow for interest-based, non-adversarial solutions.
- Work with divorce coaches in Collaborative processes to help manage emotional triggers and focus on what matters most.
- Seek support through therapy, support groups, or your spiritual community. Whether you left or were left, healing takes time and guidance.
Divorce is painful. However, letting it escalate into a war will only prolong the suffering. You have the power to choose a different path, one that leads to peace, pride, and a healthier future for everyone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1: Why should I be nice to someone who hurt me?
You don’t have to be “nice” but being respectful protects your mental health, your children’s well-being, and your long-term peace. Holding onto anger only hurts you.
Q2: What if I don’t have children?
Even without kids, divorce affects your community. Mutual friends, extended family, and even future partners will notice how you handled things and you will feel better about yourself if you choose grace.
Q3: Can the court force us to be civil?
No. However, courts and lawyers often recommend processes like Collaborative Divorce, which foster respectful communication and help reduce conflict over time.
About Marla Miller
Marla S. Miller is a senior family lawyer at Miller Boileau Family Law Group in Edmonton, Alberta. With decades of experience Marla is a strong advocate for Mediation, Collaborative Divorce and respectful separation. She helps clients prioritize what truly matters especially when children are involved.
Need help navigating your divorce with dignity and clarity? Call Marla Miller today at 780‑482‑2888.
Early in her legal practice, influenced by her late uncle who was a Justice of the Court of Queen’s Bench, Marla Miller, K.C. became a Family Law Mediator. She has been helping families through mediation for over 30 years. In 2001 she, along with Pierre Boileau, K.C. and others, was one of the founding members of the Association of Collaborative Professionals (Edmonton). She has been an active volunteer with that Association ever since.
One of the first Family and Divorce Lawyers in Edmonton to make a commitment to give up litigation as an option, Marla remains passionate about helping her clients settle outside of court by finding agreements that meet their needs and interests. As both a Registered Collaborative Family Lawyer and a Registered Family Mediator, Marla is one of the most experienced family Mediators in Edmonton.