When you go through a divorce, it’s natural to want to “ Win” But focusing on winning often creates more conflict, higher costs, and less satisfaction with the outcome. In my experience, people are far happier when they maintain control over their own future instead of handing that control to a judge.
One of the biggest mistakes people make when they begin a divorce is thinking of it as a contest.
They come into the process wanting to win. They want to prove they are right. They want the court to recognize that their spouse is unreasonable. They want justice.
While those feelings are understandable, they can lead you down a very expensive and emotionally draining path.
The reality is that divorce is not a sporting event. There is no trophy at the end. There is no scoreboard. There are only decisions that will affect your finances, your children, and your future.
That is why I believe control matters far more than winning.
What Happens When You Focus on Winning?
When your goal is to win, you often become focused on positions rather than solutions.
You may find yourself saying:
- “I deserve the house.”
- “They should pay for what they did.”
- “I’m not giving in.”
The problem is that the other person is often thinking exactly the same thing.
When both sides become entrenched, conflict grows. Legal fees increase. Stress increases. The process takes longer. And eventually, you may end up in court.
At that point, neither of you is really in control anymore.
Court Means Giving Up Control
Many people assume that going to court guarantees a better outcome. In reality, court means asking a stranger to make decisions about your life.
Judges work hard and do their best. However, they only see a small portion of your family’s story. They hear evidence, review documents, and apply the law.
They do not know your family the way you do.
When a judge makes decisions about your parenting arrangements, property division, or support obligations, you may get an outcome that neither you nor your spouse truly wanted.
That is the risk of giving up control.
The Power of Interest-Based Negotiation
The most successful divorces are often the ones where both parties focus on problem-solving instead of winning.
Through Mediation, Collaborative Divorce, or negotiation, you can create solutions tailored to your family’s unique circumstances.
You can discuss:
- Parenting schedules
- Financial concerns
- Future goals
- Special family circumstances
Rather than asking, “How do I win?” you begin asking, “What solution allows both of us to move forward?”
That shift changes everything.
What Success Really Looks Like
Success in divorce is not about defeating your spouse.
Success is reaching an agreement that:
- Meets your most important needs
- Protects your children
- Preserves your financial future
- Allows you to move on with your life
In nearly 35 years of practice, I have found that clients are most satisfied when they have a meaningful role in shaping their own outcome.
The people who maintain control over the process are often the ones who emerge with the greatest sense of peace and closure.
FAQs
No. Mediation is about finding solutions that work for both parties. You still advocate for your interests, but you do so in a cooperative environment.
No. Sometimes court is necessary, especially when there are safety concerns, hidden assets, or a complete refusal to negotiate. However, it should generally be viewed as a last resort.
Even if your spouse is being difficult, you can still choose to focus on practical solutions and good decision-making. Staying focused on your goals often leads to better outcomes than escalating conflict.
Pierre Boileau
With over 35 years of practice Pierre Boileau, K.C. has gained experience as a Mediator, Collaborative Family Lawyer, Litigator and now as an Arbitrator. Pierre’s extensive experience has shown him that client satisfaction is maximized when clients have control over their own future. This can best be achieved through interest based negotiation. Only as a last resort, should litigation be considered. When necessary, Pierre relies upon his vast court experience and training.
Pierre remains committed to continuing to practice at a high level with particular care, interest,and sound judgment. He doesn’t shy away from particularly challenging cases. Pierre’s greatest reward comes from the satisfaction of assisting clients through one of the most challenging experiences of their lives.