When you separate or divorce, your children should never become responsible for communication between you and your former partner. Asking your child to deliver messages may seem harmless, but it can put them in the middle of adult conflict and make them feel responsible for keeping the peace. You should keep communication between the adults, so your children have the freedom to simply be children.
When you are going through a divorce, communicating with your former partner may be one of the last things you want to do.
You may be angry. Your conversations may quickly become arguments. Even a simple text about a hockey practice or pickup time can turn into something more complicated.
That can make it tempting to say to your child, “Tell your dad I’ll pick you up at six,” or “Ask your mom whether you can stay here this weekend.”
It may seem harmless.
But your child should never become the messenger between you and your former partner.
Small Messages Can Create a Big Burden
You may think you are simply passing along information. Your child can experience it very differently.
Imagine telling your child, “Tell your mom you’re staying here this weekend.”
Now your child has to deliver that message. What happens if Mom becomes upset? Your child may feel responsible for her reaction. They may wonder whether they said something incorrectly or whether they have caused another argument.
Suddenly, an adult communication problem has become your child’s problem.
Children should not have that responsibility.
Your Children Should Not Have to Choose Sides
Using your children to communicate can also slowly pull them into the conflict.
It can start with practical messages and eventually become questions like:
“What did your dad say about me?”
“Who was at your mom’s house?”
“Do you want to stay here instead?”
Your child may begin to feel that providing the “wrong” answer will disappoint one parent.
You want your children to understand that they are allowed to love both parents. They should not feel responsible for protecting you, defending you, or deciding which parent is right.
Keep Adult Problems Between Adults
One of the greatest gifts you can give your children during divorce is permission to stay outside the conflict.
That means you communicate directly with your former partner whenever it is safe and appropriate to do so.
Keep messages brief, respectful, and focused on practical issues such as:
- Parenting schedules
- School activities
- Medical appointments
- Sports and extracurricular activities
- Transportation and pickup times
If direct communication is difficult, you can use email, a parenting communication app, lawyers, mediators, or other appropriate professionals.
What matters is that your child is not doing the communicating for you.
Adult Children Need Boundaries Too
This issue does not disappear when your children turn 18.
If you are going through what is becoming known as a “grey divorce” (where the parties are older), you may feel comfortable talking openly with your adult children. You may even view them as friends and confidants.
But they are still your children.
You should be cautious about asking them to communicate with your former spouse, gather information, or help negotiate disagreements. Adult children can feel just as caught between their parents as younger children.
Tell them, “We are figuring this out. You don’t need to choose sides.”
That message can be enormously reassuring.
Show Your Children How Adults Handle Conflict
Your children are watching how you manage your divorce. You do not have to have a perfect relationship with your former partner. You do not even have to like each other. But you can show your children that adults can disagree and still communicate respectfully. Your children did not choose your divorce. They did not cause it, and they cannot fix it. Your job is to handle the adult problems, so they do not have to.
FAQs
For an occasional harmless reminder, it may not seem significant. However, you should make direct adult-to-adult communication your normal practice, so your child never becomes responsible for managing information between homes.
You may need more structure. Written communication, parenting apps, Mediation, or professional assistance can help you exchange necessary information while reducing conflict.
You can certainly show interest in your child’s life, but you should not question them to gather information about your former partner. Your child should never feel like a spy or believe they must report back to you.
Early in her legal practice, influenced by her late uncle who was a Justice of the Court of Queen’s Bench, Marla Miller, K.C. became a Family Law Mediator. She has been helping families through mediation for over 30 years. In 2001 she, along with Pierre Boileau, K.C. and others, was one of the founding members of the Association of Collaborative Professionals (Edmonton). She has been an active volunteer with that Association ever since.
One of the first Family and Divorce Lawyers in Edmonton to make a commitment to give up litigation as an option, Marla remains passionate about helping her clients settle outside of court by finding agreements that meet their needs and interests. As both a Registered Collaborative Family Lawyer and a Registered Family Mediator, Marla is one of the most experienced family Mediators in Edmonton.