If your divorce involves children, every decision you make should be guided by their best interests. Judges look beyond disagreements between parents and focus on what will provide children with the safest, healthiest, and most stable future. By working together whenever possible and keeping your children out of conflict, you can help them adjust more successfully to life after divorce.
Don’t Just Focus on Your Own Concerns
When you’re going through a divorce, it’s natural to focus on your own concerns. You may be worried about where you’ll live, how often you’ll see your children, or whether your former spouse is treating you fairly.
But if your parenting issues end up before a judge, the court is looking at something much different.
The question isn’t, “What’s fair for Mom?” or “What’s fair for Dad?”
The question is always:
“What is in the best interests of the child?”
That guiding principle shapes every parenting decision made by Alberta courts.
Your Children Are Not Part of the Divorce
One of the hardest realities of divorce is remembering that your children are experiencing the separation too. They didn’t choose it, they didn’t cause it, and they shouldn’t feel responsible for fixing it. Unfortunately, judges regularly see parents unintentionally placing children in the middle of adult conflict.
This can happen when you:
- Ask your children to carry messages between households.
- Speak negatively about your former spouse in front of them.
- Ask your children to report what happens in the other parent’s home.
- Expect your children to comfort you emotionally.
- Make them feel like they have to choose sides.
Even adult children can feel trapped in these situations. No matter how old your children are, they should never become your confidant or your advocate during the divorce. Instead, let them simply be your children. Stability Is Often More Important Than Perfection
Many parents become focused on creating the “perfect” parenting schedule. While parenting time is important, judges often place just as much value on stability and consistency.
Children benefit from knowing:
- here they’ll be sleeping.
- When they’ll see each parent.
- Who will take them to school and activities.
- What their routines will look like.
Predictability along with the absence of conflict between their parents helps children feel safe during a time when many other parts of their lives are changing. A parenting plan doesn’t have to be perfectly equal to be successful. It has to work for your children’s needs.
Your Actions Matter More Than Your Words
Children are always watching how their parents handle conflict. They notice whether you remain respectful during exchanges. They notice whether you encourage them to enjoy time with the other parent. They notice whether you remain calm when disagreements arise. The way you conduct yourself today teaches your children how adults solve problems tomorrow. Even if your former spouse isn’t behaving well, you still have control over your own actions.
Focus on the Future
It’s easy to become consumed by what happened during your marriage. But parenting after divorce is about the future, not the past.
Instead of asking, “Who was right?” ask yourself:
“What decision helps my children feel loved, secure, and supported?”
That shift in perspective often leads to better communication, healthier co-parenting, and more durable parenting agreements. Your children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who continue to love them, protect them, and put their well-being ahead of conflict.
FAQs
A child’s wishes may be considered depending on their age and maturity, but the court always makes decisions based on the child’s best interests, not simply on what the child wants.
NO!! DEFINITELY NOT!! NEVER!!!! Legal issues should remain between the adults. Your children deserve the opportunity to maintain healthy relationships with both parents without feeling caught in the middle.
You can’t control your former spouse’s behaviour, but you can control your own. Continue communicating respectfully, stay focused on your children’s needs, and seek legal guidance when necessary. Courts often recognize parents who consistently act in their children’s best interests.
Early in her legal practice, influenced by her late uncle who was a Justice of the Court of Queen’s Bench, Marla Miller, K.C. became a Family Law Mediator. She has been helping families through mediation for over 30 years. In 2001 she, along with Pierre Boileau, K.C. and others, was one of the founding members of the Association of Collaborative Professionals (Edmonton). She has been an active volunteer with that Association ever since.
One of the first Family and Divorce Lawyers in Edmonton to make a commitment to give up litigation as an option, Marla remains passionate about helping her clients settle outside of court by finding agreements that meet their needs and interests. As both a Registered Collaborative Family Lawyer and a Registered Family Mediator, Marla is one of the most experienced family Mediators in Edmonton.