There is no perfect time to tell your spouse you want a divorce, but being clear, respectful, and honest is the best approach. You should be prepared, especially if safety or strong emotions are a concern. Sharing your commitment to a peaceful process, such as Mediation or Collaboration, will help reduce fear and defensiveness.
There is no easy way to say, “I want a divorce.” But trying to soften the blow with vague suggestions like “taking a break” or “a trial separation” can create more confusion and pain especially if you have already made the decision to divorce. You owe it to your spouse and to yourself to be clear. Sit down and have a calm, honest conversation. Let them know the relationship is over and that you are committed to handling your divorce with respect.
If Safety Is a Concern
If you are worried about your safety or fear your spouse may react violently or unpredictably, do not have the conversation alone. You may need to share the news in a public setting, have a support person with you, or avoid a face-to-face discussion altogether. Your safety comes first.
In these situations, it is wise to speak to a lawyer or an interpersonal violence support professional before you initiate the conversation.
Don’t Blindside Your Spouse with Legal Papers
You might feel tempted to meet with a lawyer first, get everything ready, and then have your spouse served divorce papers without warning. While it is understandable to want to have your “ducks in a row,” blindsiding your spouse is rarely the right move especially if you hope for a peaceful resolution.
When you drop a legal bomb without notice, your spouse’s natural reaction is fear:
- “Will they try to take everything?”
- “Do I need to lawyer up and go to war?”
- “Was any of our relationship even real?”
Those reactions often lead to unnecessary conflict and higher costs.
Share Your Intentions and Resources
You can set the tone by sharing your intention to divorce through a respectful and cooperative process. Tell your spouse you want to explore divorce process options like Mediation or Collaborative Divorce, and that you are hoping for a resolution that keeps both of you out of court.
You can even provide resources like articles, links, or a list of Collaborative lawyers, so they feel supported, not attacked. Make it clear they are free to choose their own lawyer, but you are offering names of professionals committed to more peaceful resolutions. That alone can lower tensions and prevent unnecessary legal escalation.
FAQs
Q1: Should I talk to a lawyer before telling my spouse?
Yes, it is wise to get legal information first. But do not serve divorce papers without a conversation about divorce. Being upfront will reduce conflict later.
Q2: What if my spouse refuses to cooperate after I tell them?
You should remain steadfast in your desire to resolve matters outside of court and tell your spousal that whenever they are ready, you wish to pursue Mediation or Collaborative Divorce.
Q3: Can I still suggest a peaceful process?
Absolutely. Your approach can set the tone. Expressing your desire for a respectful, out-of-court resolution may influence how your spouse responds.
If you are going through a divorce and need help, call Pierre Boileau today at 780‑482‑2888.
Pierre Boileau
Over almost 35 years of practice Pierre Boileau, K.C. has gained experience as a Mediator, Collaborative Family Lawyer, Litigator and now as an Arbitrator. Pierre’s extensive experience has shown him that client satisfaction is maximized when clients have control over their own future. This can best be achieved through interest based negotiation. Only as a last resort, should litigation be considered. When necessary, Pierre relies upon his vast court experience and training.
Pierre remains committed to continuing to practice at a high level with particular care, interest,and sound judgment. He doesn’t shy away from particularly challenging cases. Pierre’s greatest reward comes from the satisfaction of assisting clients through one of the most challenging experiences of their lives.