How you talk to your spouse during divorce can either help or hurt the process. Focus on respectful, business-like communication. Avoid emotional reactions, especially in writing. Take time before replying to hurtful messages and aim for solutions, not more conflict.
One of the most important things you can do during the divorce process is to communicate with your spouse in a respectful and thoughtful way. Even if you are angry or hurt, how you handle these conversations can affect everything from your emotional well-being to the outcome of your divorce.
Leave the Past in the Past
Your soon-to-be ex is not your therapist. Bringing up every past mistake or argument won’t help you move forward. Rehashing old fights often leads to more frustration, delays, and unnecessary conflict.
If your goal is to get through the divorce process as smoothly as possible, focus on the decisions in front of you, not what has happened in the past.
Treat Communication Like a Business Interaction
Think about your divorce conversations with your spouse in the same way you would handle a professional meeting or email. Be direct, polite, and clear. Avoid sarcasm or personal attacks. This mindset will help to keep things calm and focused on problem-solving rather than blame.
Be Cautious with Written Messages
Texts, emails, and even DMs are permanent, and can be shared with lawyers, judges, or even your children someday. Before you hit “send,” ask yourself:
- Would I want a judge to read this?
- Would I want my child to see this in 10 years?
If not, rewrite it.
Don’t Respond Right Away
If you get an upsetting message, pause. Don’t type back in the heat of the moment. Instead:
- Take a deep breath.
- Step away from your phone or computer.
- Write down what you are feeling without sending it.
- Respond later, when you’re calm.
If you need more time to respond, a simple message like, “I need time to process this. I will respond later,” is perfectly okay.
Marla S. Miller is a senior family lawyer at Miller Boileau Family Law Group in Edmonton, Alberta. With decades of experience in Collaborative Divorce and Mediation, she helps clients to divorce with clarity, confidence, and compassion.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if my spouse is being hostile or disrespectful?
Keep your cool and avoid taking the bait. Stick to calm, professional responses. If things escalate, talk to your lawyer about setting boundaries or communicating through third parties.
Can my text messages or emails really be used in court?
Yes. Anything in writing can be shared with lawyers, mediators, or judges. Always assume your words may be read by others.
What if I regret what I sent? Can I take it back?
Unfortunately, no. Once a message is sent, it is out there. That is why taking time before replying, especially when emotions are high, is so important.
Need help with respectful communication during your divorce? Call Marla Miller today at 780-482-2888.
Early in her legal practice, influenced by her late uncle who was a Justice of the Court of Queen’s Bench, Marla Miller, K.C. became a Family Law Mediator. She has been helping families through mediation for over 30 years. In 2001 she, along with Pierre Boileau, K.C. and others, was one of the founding members of the Association of Collaborative Professionals (Edmonton). She has been an active volunteer with that Association ever since.
One of the first Family and Divorce Lawyers in Edmonton to make a commitment to give up litigation as an option, Marla remains passionate about helping her clients settle outside of court by finding agreements that meet their needs and interests. As both a Registered Collaborative Family Lawyer and a Registered Family Mediator, Marla is one of the most experienced family Mediators in Edmonton.